Redefined

Remember that one family reunion when we not only owned the definition of "puke," but took it to a whole new level? Of course you do. We talk about it at every annual family get-together. Barf Fest 1999. Well, I was preparing for a Relief Society lesson this morning and came across this journal entry. Oh how I wish I could have tied it in to the lesson somehow...

July 26, 1999

I’m in the very backseat of the car traveling on the way to Salt Lake City. We are coming from Boise, ID. We just got done with our family reunion a few days ago at Pinetop (Pinetop is a church owned girls camp). It was fun for the most part. What I mean is it was fun until the last night. It all started when I woke up from a deep sleep and there was Bethany standing there looking down at me. I asked her what was wrong and she threw up. Luckily I saw it coming and I moved (She also told me she was going to puke). That’s how it all started. After that I moved by mom and James. Right after I settled, James threw up, then Kevin, Parker, Abby, and Spencer had their turns. That night was my worst nightmare come true. Just smelling it and hearing it made me want to throw up. I hate throwing up. I’m almost afraid of it. I can’t stand it. Maren and Reed went home throwing up that day and the day before.

The picture featured above was taken prior to bedtime that night. Yep, there's sweet, unsuspecting Bethany smiling right beside me. If only I knew the horrors about to unfold. If only she knew. If only all of us knew... about the Kool-Aide, right? Of course, in the passing years, the journaled trauma has transpired into the most endearing, fond reminiscings. Oh guys. I miss you. You're so far away!

I say we're overdue for another reunion at Pinetop, yeah?

The Past Little While

1. Time- 5:32

Start time of family dinner that we haven't had in a long time and that the grandparents are here for- 5:30

Speed limit- 45 mph

Speed clocked by that darn camera- 56 mph

Family dinner excuse for speeding- worthless

Price of ticket- $171.25

2. The best place to visit on an average of three times a week- Mesa Frozen Yogurt

The calendar that hangs on my fridge noting the daily flavors available- click HERE

The number of days that have at least one uber-appealing flavor highlighted yellow on my calandar- every single one

The cost (with tax) of a size #1- $1.64

3. What is the very best way to spend your time on a Saturday morning after a late night?- FBYWT a.k.a. Family Bonding Yard Work Time. See HERE for past experiences.

The amount of time it takes to drag your sluggish body out of bed- apx. 15 minutes

The warm fuzzy feelings that you feel for your family as you rake up the neighbors pine needles and leaves that have fallen into your yard- M.I.A.

Watching your mom, who is feeling a little intense, ring your own doorbell about 50 times (I'm serious when I estimate 50) to wake your sister up (who hasn't had any prior notice) to come on out and join the festivities- Priceless.

Welcome back FBYWT. It's been awhile.

Oh yeah... There are some things money can't buy, but for everything else, I'm going to have to use my summer savings.

Lunchtime Today

Yesterday I woke up starving and felt that a hot bowl of peaches and cream would do the trick. By the time I made it out to the kitchen, I was late for work. Peaches and Cream? Foregone.

Lunch time came around. Who was so hungry that she was the first one out the door when the bell rang, ahead of the students? That's right. Yours truly and I didn't just buy one greasy, yummy slice of pizza. I bought two. On the way back from the teacher's lounge, glorious food in hand, I hustled my buns in quick-pace mode. Right as I was about 10 yards from the classroom door, a slice of pizza dropped. Pepperoni side down. The face was caked with a thick dirt layer beyond the justification of any 10 second rule.

By the time my prep hour arrived, I was desperate. I'm not exaggerating. I made it to the teacher's lounge with my only cash dollar knowing that there had to be something to fill my gnawing stomach. On top of that, I needed to calm my desperate nerves. I felt peace the moment I saw it. A Kellog's Rice Krispee treat for 70 cents. I shoved the dollar in and hit E... but before I could finish my entry order, change shot out and a pack of Toasted Almonds dropped to the retrieval bin. I stared through the glass at my blue, krispy desire. Not funny. My desperation flooded back. Bitter? No, the almonds were salty and in no way satisfying. I tried not to storm out the door and tear across the campus.

I made it home. I was still so hungry but now with an added side of tire. As I sat at the counter, I relayed my sad story to my mom and sis. During the whole time of relaying the pathetic circumstances, in the back of my head I was trying to find revelation of some genius concoction that could be withdrawn from our empty cupboards. As soon as my sad story ended, I was struck with that desired revelation. My mouth dropped as I saw Las eating some Michaelina's pizza bites. Genius. Heaven's providential dews rested upon me. Food and satisfaction at last! I dashed to the garage freezer. Pizza Bites!!! What was my discovery? I found that freezer stocked with Michaelina's Sallisbuy Steak, Chicken Alfredo, Macaroni Marinara, and some other dreadful Michaelina masterpiece I can't remember the name of. No more pizza bites. I almost started crying.

This morning I was running late again but it didn't matter because I was planning on buying a tasty breakfast burrito at school. I love them with hot sauce. I got there. Stood in the dang student line and with longing eyes requested my delight as soon as I approached the window. The reply? "Monday's, Wednesday's, and Friday's. Tuesdays and Thursdays are french toast." I almost barked at the kid cashier. By "barked" I mean like the kind of a feverish, feral dog lashing out at an innocent pedestrian. It must be that dang, new poodle we got at home. It's rubbing it's canine cooties off on me.

So after this morning sans breakfast burrito, lunchtime came around. I went to the teachers' lounge and ordered two slices of pepperoni pizza, same as yesterday. I wasn't desperate or anything but I was hungry for two. I walked back to class scared to lose my lunch (Please note that by "lose my lunch" I mean drop it, not throw it up). I watched my step and even smiled as I passed the place of dirty doom from the day before. As I rounded the corner, I saw the classroom ahead. I was so close... Would I make it?.... I didn't drop a slice. That's right. Ate a full lunch today and enjoyed every bite. Every bite of the TWO pieces.

The End.

Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm

Mom fixed some homemade hash browns not to long ago. They were so good. I've been eating them for breakfast, lunch, but not dinner... yet. I'm going to give you the directions so you too can enjoy their deliciosity (don't be fooled by their looks).

Directions:

1. Get a cheese grater that looks like this

2. Grate a potato. Set aside.

3. Pour oil into a pan and heat that sucker up.

4. Spread the gratings to form a thin patty-like form.

5. Fry it till it's brown.

6. Flip it and brown the other side.

7. Take it out and put it on a plate.

8. Put salt and pepper on it.

9. You must put salt and pepper on it.

10. Eat it (it probably tastes best with a side of eggs, but I just eat it solo).

So there you go. Ten easy steps to obtain a greased-up satisfied stomach.

Mighty Fine

Thanks to my uncle Dave, you may now enjoy:

Can of Deliciousness

I must say I was quite pleased when we received a can of this joy from friends this Christmas season. Of course, there was a homemade label wrapped around the can instead of a cow face, but I barely even looked at the label. It was the insides I was after.

You ask "Sweetened Condensed Milk?" I reply with "What else would there be?" I'd like to explain how you too can obtain this desirable treat:

Take one can of the Eagle Brand America's Most Trusted Sweetened Condensed Milk and set it in a pot of water to boil for 3 hours. Keep the pot full of water, and make sure the entire can is always covered by water. Rotate the can around every 45 minutes or so. After 3 hours, take the can out and set it on the counter to cool. When it is not burning hot, put in in the refrigerator and leave it in overnight.

The can will be ready upon the morrow. Open it up to find ounces of pure deliciousness. The sweetened condensed milk will no longer be runny. It will be like unto a thick carmel dip, but better. Most consumers will chop up an apple to dip into it. I just get a spoon and start digging in.

Be good to yourself. Try it.

You Might as Well Eat the Box = Falsehood

There are few precious foods that "hit the spot" in life. For me, Reese's Puffs still stands strong in first place. If your dog gets hit and killed by a car in the near future, sit yourself down with a bowl of that heavenly mana. You'll say to yourself "Yes, all is well." In one sitting I can suck down a whole box without realizing what I've done. How did I discover this delight? Let me tell you....

As a kid, guidelines for picking cereal at the store while grocery shopping were:

1. You may get a box of cornflakes.

2. You may get a box of shredded wheat.

3. Fruit Loops are a once-in-a-while exception.

It was common knowledge at our household that when it came to sugar cereal and nutrition "you might as well eat the box." The downfall for these strict cereal-purchase rules came when Life cereal was introduced during my fourth grade year. That cereal was a doorway that led to the good stuff. Still, the the same rules stuck for a long time, with the addition of:

4. You may get a box of Life.

Later on, much later on, a box of Reese's Puffs was brought home. "What is this strange foreign food?" I thought. Needless to say, it disappeared fast. Not long after, similar sugar cereals began to appear as grocery sales went on. The clincher for the downfall of the cereal rules took place one warm, welcomed afternoon when I arrived home from somewhere. Mom was sitting at the table and, what? A box of Reese's Puffs stood before her. What is in her cereal bowl? REESE'S PUFFS?! Shouldn't she be eating the box? This just couldn't be. She tried to change the subject, to detract from the truth of what lie before her, but there was no denying it. The change of heart was almost complete. Next time she wouldn't even try to hide it. I decided to celebrate her conversion by pouring a bowl for myself. You know what? The box was empty. Yes, she ate a whole box by herself and no, she didn't eat the box either.

Since that day, many a box of mana has passed through the household. No more cereal rules. No more cornflakes. No more shredded wheat. We don't by Reese's Puffs frequently, only here and there. I would/do eat that stuff for breakfast, lunch, snack, and dinner. It's hard to keep it in stock. When it's around I tell myself to save some for others but I don't care for others as much as I care for Reese's Puffs. Puffs come first. Others next. Sad, I know, but that's one of my weaknesses I have to work on.... later.

So pick yourself up a box of manna. Reese's Puffs manna. You won't regret it. Not one bit.

P.S. The front of the Puffs box on this post flaunts calcium. Eat the box indeed. Huh!